Who'd be a foster parent at Christmas-time?

Heart-warming stories from families opening their doors to children in care over the festive season.

Christmas can be a hard time for some families, and especially for children in foster care. We asked our foster parents and social workers to share their experience of fostering over the festive season and this is what they said….

"We had a little boy with us for Christmas, and we’d bought him a LEGO castle. He loved it and spent the whole of Christmas morning building it with my husband. When we came back through to the lounge after our Christmas dinner, the castle was gone. All of the toys had gone. “Where have all the toys gone?” I asked. He looked anxious. I said “it’s ok, just tell me”. “Upstairs” he whispered. We went upstairs, and there hidden at the very back of his bed was all the toys. “Mum and dad always sold them” he said “I was keeping them safe.” He kept his toys in his room for a week before gradually bringing them downstairs to play. Foster Carer

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“We had a teenage girl with us one Christmas. She had never had much of a Christmas at home. We are really into Christmas so we woke her up in the morning and showed her downstairs to the tree. We had to show her what to do. She was delighted even with just the little bits of make-up we had bought her” Foster Parent


“We had a foster child arrive on 23rd of December and had to rush out and quickly buy some presents” Foster Parent


“We still have the decorations that some of our foster children have made, and when they come back to visit, they see that the decorations are still on the tree” Foster Parent


“The children couldn’t believe that all of the presents were for them, and they could keep them” Foster Parent
“We were really looking forward to Christmas with our foster child. We had it all planned. But he was overwhelmed by it all, gathered up all his presents and spent the whole day in his bedroom.” Foster Parent


“We asked a foster carer if they could care for a child over Christmas. They had to quickly phone their family who were on-route to visit for Christmas, to change their plans because there was no room for them” Fostering Social Worker


“Mum arrived for contact with bags and bags of presents. Some of the presents were not age-appropriate. They were for a much younger child - the age the children were, when they first went into foster care.” Foster parent

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"Some children can find Christmas quite difficult. The whole routine changes. Even the school routine is different with practicing for the Christmas play etc. It’s all too different and a bit overwhelming.” Fostering Social Worker


“The foster carers had bought the children lots of presents, because they had nothing. Then the grandparents of the children arrived with another load of gifts.” Fostering social worker
 

“Most Christmas Eves, we get asked to place around 5 children in foster care and we are phoning around our foster carers asking if they can care for a child over Christmas. But often the plan changes and the children don’t need foster care after all, panic over. Our foster carers are always brilliant and take it all in their stride” Fostering Social Worker

Christmas can be a difficult time, but our wonderful foster carers welcome children into their homes to share Christmas dinner, open presents and feel like part of the family.

Wishing you a very merry Christmas

From the Fostering Team

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Cymraeg

Foster parent blog : the heartbreak of letting children go

 

Fostering A Year On! We made the life changing decision to become foster carers and myself to be a full time foster carer just over a year ago. Oh boy what a year!!

 

Since panel and being ratified we have now been a foster carer to 1 child and 2 newborn babies and let me tell you I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE MY JOB ! Yes its hard work, draining and all consuming BUT, its mostly rewarding, happy, endearing and darned heart wrenching in a very positive way.


To put it into perspective since having 'the placements' (we now know all the jargon):I've noticed how many people have asked me what being a foster parent really involves - what it is all about. They want to know how you go about becoming a foster parent, and what happens to you and your family when you open your heart and home to someone else´s child. I constantly hear the words "how do you give them up" to which I answer "I know it is difficult but, there you go"...However, the reality is, you learn through the excellent training & support provided that they’re not yours in the 1st place and your part of a very large team all dealing with the same thing.

I remember talking to an old school friend about fostering in general and realised that some people have misconceptions about what being a foster parent entails. Sure, they say, they´d just love to be a foster parent. They can picture themselves opening their home to some poor, skinny waif, feeding them, and living happily ever after. But, we have learnt there´s more to it than that. For instance, if you value your freedom, if you like coming and going at will, perhaps being a foster parent is not for you. I mean a Looked After Child (LAC) can be very time consuming. They come to you with built-in problems, but, we try to remember THEY are frightened, and regardless of their situation and the reason they've been placed with us, coming to complete strangers makes them afraid. So of course their going to require more of your time and care than a natural born child would, at least until they become adjusted to being with you. And don´t expect that adjustment to come quickly. It can take months. However, in that time you are building a positive attachment to the child and by doing so you are allowing the child to learn how to trust you and let their guard down and thus allowing them the freedom to love unconditionally and for them to build positive attachments as well.

That´s another matter to consider. When you have a LAC child, you know that you will eventually have to give them up. If you are going to care for the child properly, then you must let yourself love them. You cannot hold back your love for them, because more than food, clothing, and a place to sleep, these children need love. There’s a reason roller coaster imagery is widely used to describe foster parenting. And yet, you can’t hold yourself back emotionally from the kids; they deserve nothing less than 100%. You have to be emotionally committed to the children in your care. If you’re not fully invested in them, and if your heart doesn’t break when they leave, you’re doing it wrong. I have heard from other carers during social occasions (coffee mornings etc.) that some placements are more difficult than others, and some kids are harder to love, but I personally think if you never grieve or feel a sense of loss when a child leaves your home, you have no business being a foster parent.


So you love the child and in a sense they come to be your own, or at least part of your family unit. And yet, always in the back of your mind is the thought that this child will someday leave you. I know as we are right there at this moment with baby number 2. Occasionally a child will enter your home and remain there until they are grown. But, most likely there will come a day when you will have to watch the child/baby be taken to another home. And part of you goes with them, a very large part. The grief you will feel at that time can be just as deep and real and profound as if your own natural-born child was taken from you. It hurts a lot..


But, being a foster carer also means doing something so rewarding, so vital, so important with your life that there is no way to measure the blessings that heap up around you. Even as you vow never to take in another one, never to allow yourself to become so involved with another child again only to have to face the heartbreak of giving them up. Even as you say "Never again," you are waiting for a call from the duty team saying they have a new child who needs a loving, caring home.


Being a foster parent means that you are working in the greatest profession there is--Life. It means your home will be filled with love and tears and laughter. It means drying a frightened child´s tears, teaching him/her to smile and to respond to love. It means walking the floor at night with a precious newborn baby. It means watching that child grow and develop into a young person whom eventually will be moving out into their own home.


Being a foster parent means you are a wonderful human being, giving these kids a chance at life the way you know it should be for them and because, when you are a foster carer, you and everyone surrounding you work as a team to help the little ones who are placed in your care.


Being a foster carer certainly has a lot of drawbacks, ie, diary logs, ongoing training, meetings. But, if you aren´t afraid of facing problems, if you welcome the challenge of meeting a problem head-on and solving it, if you want to know that your life really counts for something, then, help a child. Help mould their world. Help create a responsible future citizen, because even when I'm walking away after handing over the baby/child I’ve loved as my own for the last X amount of months, I can hold my head up high and say "I'VE DONE MY JOB"... I allow myself to have an almighty cry for a whole 48 hours ( this apparently is healthy according to the councillor I had access to) then, dust myself off and get ready for the next little one that's going to need our super human powers to help them, because, unfortunately there's going to be at least one more.

Sincerely a tired, happy, content, foster carer xx

Click here to find out more about fostering

 

 

Flintshire Fostering Service 

fostering@flintshire.gov.uk

01352 701965

 

Cymraeg

What it’s really like to be assessed as a foster carer?

Written by a newly approved Flintshire foster carer

To start…You will get a question and answer form that asks questions about yourself but, my problem was the smallness of the boxes as whilst we don’t usually talk a lot about ourselves this opened up a can of worms, but, it’s only the beginning of a massive trip down memory lane that you will find is happy, sad and at times frustrating.

 

For the purpose of this blog I'm going to call it our Autobiographical statement...

The autobiographical statement can be intimidating, but it is essentially the story of your life.

You may be asked to describe who reared you and their style of child rearing and how this has affected you socially and personally, how many brothers and sisters you have, and where you are in the birth order, what support network you have around you. 

 

I found that our statement answered many questions for us as a couple as well as for the assessment. Things like...

 

• were you close to your parents and siblings when you were a child? Are you close now? How much contact do you have with them?

• What are some successes or failures that you have had? What educational level have you reached? Do you plan to further your education? Are you happy with your educational attainments? What do you think about education for a child?

 

• What is your employment status? Your employment history? Do you have plans to change employment? Do you like your current job?

• What experiences do you have with children, for me lots, for my husband hardly any.

 

Your relationship

If you are married, (as we are) there will be questions about your marriage. These may cover how you met, how long you dated before you married, how long you have been married, what attracted you to each other, what your spouse's strengths and weaknesses are, and the issues on which you agree and disagree in your marriage.

 

Others may ask how you make decisions, solve problems, settle arguments, communicate, express feelings, and show affection. If you were married before, there will be questions about that marriage. We described our ordinary routines, such as our typical weekday or weekend, our hobbies and interests, and our leisure time activities and as we have older children, how we integrate them into all this.

Your experience with children

There will be questions that cover your experiences with children, relatives' children, neighbours, volunteer work, babysitting, teaching, or coaching. You might be asked some "what if" questions regarding discipline or other parenting issues.

The neighbourhood

You will probably be asked about your neighbourhood: And where you grew up. How friendly are you/were you with your neighbours? What kind of people live/lived nearby?, whether there was any racial/ethnical/cultural diversity. Is it a safe area? Why did you pick this neighbourhood?  Are you located conveniently to community resources, such as medical facilities, recreational facilities, shopping areas, and religious facilities?

 

And you will be asked about religion, your level of religious practice, and would you be willing to support any kind of religious upbringing you may be asked to support the child in. Remember if you say no then that’s not a strike against you, it’s just showing the team who not to place with you.

Fostering

There is also a section on specific fostering-related issues, including questions about why you want to foster, what kind of child you feel you can best look after and why. Also how you will tell the child why he or she is looked after.

 

What opinion you have of birth parents whom are the reason for their child being in care. How you will handle your relatives' and friends' questions about fostering, and whether you can bond to a child not genetically related to you as you will have to let them attach to you. I was advised to research the attachment theory to which I’m eternally grateful I did.

You may not know all these answers right away, we certainly didn’t but, it was actually a wonderful time learning stuff about each other that we'd never talked about before and walking down memory lane!

 

Our home study made us really think through these issues and we questioned each other and talked, talked and talked some more. One thing I can assure is, your assessing social worker is guiding you and supporting you throughout the whole process and will offer advice on describing these topics. They’re not going to criticise you but, will offer advice when needed. 

Our own children

Part of our assessment involved our adult daughters (24yrs & 21yrs) being interviewed individually and they both reported that our SW made them at ease and not pressured. I told both of them beforehand to be completely honest.

 

The ex
The hardest part for us was “the exes”. I was dreading this part but we received reassurance and told why they had to do this and that they're used to this and can read people very well. I was asked things in a way that didn't make me feel I was under interrogation. Firstly we talked a little about what the relationship is like now with my ex, which is ok fortunately, then she asked me questions about how long we were together and why we broke up.  

 

Then she sent a letter to my ex requesting an interview. I think if you are telling the social worker that you and your ex get on like a house on fire and he says something different then that may give concern but, if you are honest then it won't come as a big shock, after all they are used to dealing with disgruntled partners. In the end it was all ok if a little frustrating at times.

 

Statement from my ex-husband

“Initially my children told me about my ex-wife wanting to become a foster carer and that I would be asked to be interviewed as they had been. Having never done anything like that before I was very unsure as to what would be expected of me. However, I eventually received a letter from Flintshire Fostering Services requesting an interview, I phoned the number provided and a date and time was set. The Social Worker arrived and immediately put me at ease, I can only say it was more like a chat and that interview seems too harsh a word, anyway we chatted about my relationship and whether I thought she was suitable to be a foster carer.  I answered honestly in that I thought she was perfect for the role especially as I had witnessed her 1st hand bringing up our children.  Fortunately for me we all live locally and have a good relationship mainly due to the fact we have children together. The whole interview only lasted 30 minutes at the most and I know from that and talking to my daughters I will need to support them when placements move on”.  
Yours sincerely
The Ex


To conclude…
You are about to embark on an emotional roller-coaster but just remember to put your seatbelt on and you will enjoy the ride.Yes you will hear all the horror stories in your skills to foster course and have lots more to face in your assessment but, to inform you we have our 1st placement and his smile makes everything worthwhile, after all how can we protect these little ones if we can’t even face our own demons?


Good luck and remember you are half way there!
 

Click here to find out more about fostering

 

 

Flintshire Fostering Service 

fostering@flintshire.gov.uk

01352 701965

 

Cymraeg

A good foster carer is....

We asked a group of children in foster care, what was important to be a good foster carer, and this is what they said...




A good foster carer is...

• Fairly laid back
• Easily approachable
• Treats you like their own child
• Doesn’t leave you out. They include you in family events
• Someone you can talk to
• Someone who’s there for you, especially when you need them
• Shows you they care
• Pays attention to what you have to say and likes to spend time with you
• Someone who treats me and my brother the same
• Someone who is willing to take young people on and isn’t in it for the money
• Reliable
• Someone who encourages you to take part in new things, sports and clubs
• Someone who is there for you to chat to
• They teach you things you don’t know, like how to cook
• Someone who doesn’t judge you



what makes a good foster carer






  

Click here to find out more about fostering

 

 

Flintshire Fostering Service 

fostering@flintshire.gov.uk

01352 701965

 

Cymraeg

Celebrating achievements of children in foster care

It's days like today that remind me why we do what we do.

It's our awards day for children in foster care, and 20 local Council social workers are hurriedly preparing the marquee for our 10th annual Pride of Flintshire awards.

These are the success stories of children in foster care that you don't read about in the papers. These stories don't make headlines but they mean so much to the children, their foster carers, social workers and families, and it's a day to celebrate.
 

Today it's all about the kids, and celebrating the achievements of over 200 looked-after children and care leavers in Flintshire. Despite everything they are going through in their young lives, these children have still managed to achieve in sport, music, dance, drama, taken time to help others and are doing well in school.

Today they are receiving certificates for achieving 100% school attendance, being sports team captain, raising money for children in Africa, law student of the year, performing at the eisteddfod...

Some of the achievements might not sound like much, but when you know what that child has been through, and the journey they've been on, these little things mean a lot.

The day also celebrates those children who are now grown up and successfully living in their own flat, with a job and their own family. One care leaver is performing the Bryan Adams song “heaven” in front of over 200 people, and the words couldn’t be more poignant.

“Oh once in your life you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feelin' down

Now our dreams are comin' true
Through the good times and the bad
Yeah I'll be standin' there by you”

We've been doing these awards for 10 years and yet when we see the smiles on the children faces, there’s not a dry eye in the house.

 

Click here to find out more about fostering

 

 

Flintshire Fostering Service 

fostering@flintshire.gov.uk

01352 701965

 

Cymraeg